YOU WOULD

I have no understanding of simple things anymore.
No longer familiar, I find the interwoven tapestry of my mind is frayed.
This foreign being has infiltrated everything I used for comfort.
It was so simple.
But now, now it's so full of doubt and second guesses.
The most frightening places are now mundane.
Nothing is real anymore.
Nothing is fake.
Nothing has sensibility.
My mind on the ceiling.
My heart on the floor.
Time is running out.
Everything seems so uneven and unpredictable.
Vulnerability is scary.
I can't hold myself back, I just might miss the one thing that I need.
I could let myself open up a little more.
Test the waters.
Your imperfection is fabulous and you make me insane.
I want to hate you for it.
Things were easier without you.
But so much more has been added because of you.
Infecting me with your presence.
WHY?
I might be lost in your eyes, but not in the least bit scared.
I feel right with you.
Safe.
Understood.
But, I still don't know.
:(

Arrogant Sky

Hollow bodies.

Are we nothing more than empty words?

Hypnosis.

Do this, do that.

I'll pencil you in.

What ever happened to that cup of sugar?

Why don't you just get off my lawn?!

We have the hardest time looking through our windows.

Sometimes there's more than just the dust on the window's ledge.

Imperfection is never acceptable.

Vanities.

The world upside down, seems more like the right way.

A facade of plastic skin.

The sickness meddles it's way through my veins.

What's really important?

I'm nothing but a fleeting organism.

A collection of molecular genius.

I so easily indulge in the fleeting aspects of my humanity.

Love.

What a word!

Not everything is about romance.

We are capable of loving the least of these.

This world is swirling with doubts and uncertainty.

We bear the fangs of a blood sucking society.

Mixed in with our own righteousness.

Lukewarm.

Neither hot, nor cold?

Hypocrites.

Might as well change our characters everyday since life is such a drama.

We've lost our sense of motion.

Sandpaper on the skin of innocence.

Let's all just swim on.

Ink Splattered Sky

There is no terror in death.

Fear of the unknown engulfs us.

Nothing compares to the moonlit reflections of silence.

Laying out on the grass as the night sky dances with lights.

Peace invades me.

The wind creeps through the trees as they sway back and forth.

The canopy entangles and frames the starry patterns that dot the ceiling of the world.

Like ink spilled onto a canvas it spreads in scattered direction.

Splatters of haunting memories.

Offsetting emotions invade my heart.

How long will I be alone?

Sitting in the middle of so many and yet so alone.

Soon enough companionship will arrive.

I can't escape the thoughts.

Reason wants to win.

Like an infection of the heart he's taking over.

Sometimes the darkness feels uneasy, but I feel so safe.

I have found to be understood is a far cry from being known.

Maybe that's what keeps me this way.

No one truly knowing me.

He's not so far off.

Closer than I think and that comforts me.

I felt his presence.

Drifting in the graveyard.

I could have laid there for hours, maybe one day I will.

But in that moment, spread out on the grass kissed by the night's dew, I felt him.

Suddenly I don't feel so alone.

Invisible Me

Is it so much to ask, to just be able to know without a doubt in my mind that I'm worth it?

It seems to be a constant repetitious occurrence.

Always hiding in the shadows of someone else's greatness.

Second rate.

Third wheel.

Never more than a passing glance.

What if those are the ones who are worth it?

So much to offer and yet no one to receive.

Instead they are drained of their beauty and life seems to fade out of their eyes.

Confidence is ludicrous.

Next to those bright shining stars you are a spec of dust in the wind.

What a fabulous way of life.

Never really knowing who you truly are.

What you are.....

Or where you belong.

What a passing existence.

The morning light is a heavy burden, filled with contingency.

It would be so much easier to just pull the covers back over your side and just roll over.

Life won't stop because you want to disappear.

No one's eyes contain as much sagacity.

Those eyes may go day to day without being noticed, but they are watching the world.

Maybe, just maybe, it's not so bad to be alone.

Invisible.

Overlooked.

Under-appreciated.

Inadequate.

There is much wisdom gained in arduous endeavors.

Such is the life of the

Invisible me.

Empty, Empty, Empty

Emptiness.

So many questions that I feel cannot be answered.

God you fill me up and give me hope.

I am so safe in you.

Vulnerability is terrifying.

I never have let a single person in.

Not truly.

I often feel as if I am lost in a pretend version of myself.

I find that here I can be mostly myself.

But I haven't been able to open a part of me that I have kept hidden for so long.

This is so complexing.

I believe I'm ready, but I have to respect myself and give myself a chance.

Lord, I can now see why you never allowed me to have anyone else before.

I should be good at patience by now.

It shouldn't be so hard, but waiting....

and waiting...

and waiting...

and more waiting..

Seems to be the theme here.

I can hardly eat.

My stomach always feels empty......full of knots.

Gah.

I don't really know what to think.

Not at all.

I really feel like completely ignoring everything.

Just forgetting about it.

God why??????

Why am I like this??!!!

I can't help but laugh at myself.

This is the first time that I can't figure someone out.

What a blank stare I have.

I just need to listen to you and keep it real.

You are telling me to wait.

To be patient, to just be okay.

I need to listen, oh sweet Jesus....this is hard.

I don't know anything.

But I'm learning......

I am with you

Do not hide what's inside.

Fear is the beginning of a path you must not travel.

Truth will always find you out.

There is nowhere to hide.

Open up.

Free the life in you.

Let it truly live.

Feel the breeze as it caresses your fingertips.

Suddenly you don't feel so alone.

He is right here with you.

For so long your heart has longed for His embrace.

Your eyes for His beauty.

Your ears for His affirmation.

Your hand to be held by His.

It seems that time has past so quickly.

All this time you've been dreaming.

Filled with intrusive thoughts that interrupted the rhythmic movements of your mind.

All these questions suddenly answered.

Part of you wants to hold yourself back from this liberation of your soul.

The alluring beckoning of a common life surrendered to familiarity, becomes overwhelmingly severe.

Change is a funny complexity that entangles your thoughts with your emotions.

In the midst of all your struggle, in a still small voice.

He whispers, "Do not fear."

You suddenly feel unwavering fortitude against your fears.

The pull to take you away from His arms is so great.

But His love for you surpasses all understanding.

And His glory is beyond all comprehension.

Easily you feel alone and forgotten.

Stranded on an island of change surrounded by lives that are busy.

Fighting loneliness.

You reach out your hands to the sky.

He's reaching back.

"Fear not, I am with you."

Single

I really don't understand why he did this.

I thought for once it would actually be happening for me.

All this time waiting for the right guy to come a long and I'm getting the short end of the stick again.

Typical.

I'm oddly at peace with some of it.

Maybe I'm in denial.

I feel like it should hurt more than it is.

I have such a hard time trusting, opening up.

The moment I started too he just closed the door.

I know there is a big difference between being completely DONE and just waiting longer.

It's just waiting is really hard.

It's painful and it's definitely filling me with so many questions.

My heart is freaking out.

I don't know how to react and my feelings are numb.

My stomach has knots.

This is too much for me to deal with.

So close and he seems to be slipping through my fingers.