Ink Splattered Sky

There is no terror in death.

Fear of the unknown engulfs us.

Nothing compares to the moonlit reflections of silence.

Laying out on the grass as the night sky dances with lights.

Peace invades me.

The wind creeps through the trees as they sway back and forth.

The canopy entangles and frames the starry patterns that dot the ceiling of the world.

Like ink spilled onto a canvas it spreads in scattered direction.

Splatters of haunting memories.

Offsetting emotions invade my heart.

How long will I be alone?

Sitting in the middle of so many and yet so alone.

Soon enough companionship will arrive.

I can't escape the thoughts.

Reason wants to win.

Like an infection of the heart he's taking over.

Sometimes the darkness feels uneasy, but I feel so safe.

I have found to be understood is a far cry from being known.

Maybe that's what keeps me this way.

No one truly knowing me.

He's not so far off.

Closer than I think and that comforts me.

I felt his presence.

Drifting in the graveyard.

I could have laid there for hours, maybe one day I will.

But in that moment, spread out on the grass kissed by the night's dew, I felt him.

Suddenly I don't feel so alone.

Invisible Me

Is it so much to ask, to just be able to know without a doubt in my mind that I'm worth it?

It seems to be a constant repetitious occurrence.

Always hiding in the shadows of someone else's greatness.

Second rate.

Third wheel.

Never more than a passing glance.

What if those are the ones who are worth it?

So much to offer and yet no one to receive.

Instead they are drained of their beauty and life seems to fade out of their eyes.

Confidence is ludicrous.

Next to those bright shining stars you are a spec of dust in the wind.

What a fabulous way of life.

Never really knowing who you truly are.

What you are.....

Or where you belong.

What a passing existence.

The morning light is a heavy burden, filled with contingency.

It would be so much easier to just pull the covers back over your side and just roll over.

Life won't stop because you want to disappear.

No one's eyes contain as much sagacity.

Those eyes may go day to day without being noticed, but they are watching the world.

Maybe, just maybe, it's not so bad to be alone.

Invisible.

Overlooked.

Under-appreciated.

Inadequate.

There is much wisdom gained in arduous endeavors.

Such is the life of the

Invisible me.

Empty, Empty, Empty

Emptiness.

So many questions that I feel cannot be answered.

God you fill me up and give me hope.

I am so safe in you.

Vulnerability is terrifying.

I never have let a single person in.

Not truly.

I often feel as if I am lost in a pretend version of myself.

I find that here I can be mostly myself.

But I haven't been able to open a part of me that I have kept hidden for so long.

This is so complexing.

I believe I'm ready, but I have to respect myself and give myself a chance.

Lord, I can now see why you never allowed me to have anyone else before.

I should be good at patience by now.

It shouldn't be so hard, but waiting....

and waiting...

and waiting...

and more waiting..

Seems to be the theme here.

I can hardly eat.

My stomach always feels empty......full of knots.

Gah.

I don't really know what to think.

Not at all.

I really feel like completely ignoring everything.

Just forgetting about it.

God why??????

Why am I like this??!!!

I can't help but laugh at myself.

This is the first time that I can't figure someone out.

What a blank stare I have.

I just need to listen to you and keep it real.

You are telling me to wait.

To be patient, to just be okay.

I need to listen, oh sweet Jesus....this is hard.

I don't know anything.

But I'm learning......

I am with you

Do not hide what's inside.

Fear is the beginning of a path you must not travel.

Truth will always find you out.

There is nowhere to hide.

Open up.

Free the life in you.

Let it truly live.

Feel the breeze as it caresses your fingertips.

Suddenly you don't feel so alone.

He is right here with you.

For so long your heart has longed for His embrace.

Your eyes for His beauty.

Your ears for His affirmation.

Your hand to be held by His.

It seems that time has past so quickly.

All this time you've been dreaming.

Filled with intrusive thoughts that interrupted the rhythmic movements of your mind.

All these questions suddenly answered.

Part of you wants to hold yourself back from this liberation of your soul.

The alluring beckoning of a common life surrendered to familiarity, becomes overwhelmingly severe.

Change is a funny complexity that entangles your thoughts with your emotions.

In the midst of all your struggle, in a still small voice.

He whispers, "Do not fear."

You suddenly feel unwavering fortitude against your fears.

The pull to take you away from His arms is so great.

But His love for you surpasses all understanding.

And His glory is beyond all comprehension.

Easily you feel alone and forgotten.

Stranded on an island of change surrounded by lives that are busy.

Fighting loneliness.

You reach out your hands to the sky.

He's reaching back.

"Fear not, I am with you."

Single

I really don't understand why he did this.

I thought for once it would actually be happening for me.

All this time waiting for the right guy to come a long and I'm getting the short end of the stick again.

Typical.

I'm oddly at peace with some of it.

Maybe I'm in denial.

I feel like it should hurt more than it is.

I have such a hard time trusting, opening up.

The moment I started too he just closed the door.

I know there is a big difference between being completely DONE and just waiting longer.

It's just waiting is really hard.

It's painful and it's definitely filling me with so many questions.

My heart is freaking out.

I don't know how to react and my feelings are numb.

My stomach has knots.

This is too much for me to deal with.

So close and he seems to be slipping through my fingers.

Here Lord, take it.

My mind is full of thought.

I truly cannot wrap my mind around this young lad who has entered my life.

He is seeming to be more and more awesome every time we talk.

It is still sinking in that he likes me.

Really, really likes me.

My heart races and butterflies dance in my stomach when I receive his messages.

I'm counting down the days until we can see each other at school.

But my head can't help but doubt, that this is for real.

My heart is too afraid to let him in.

Some day he won't be such a stranger to me.

But now, I'm just afraid of driving him away.

I want to be sure that he is truly what God wants for me right now.

That this developing relationship is of God.

Lord help me keep a clear mind.

Help me seek your truth in everything and that I focus on you even more.

I am in love with you God.

You alone have my heart.

Help me to not give it away to just anyone.

You have heard my cries and you see the ache in me.

God if this if from you, Lord...ease my worry.

There is nothing you do not see.

Nothing you cannot do.

Be with me now.

Lord I don't want to be one of those girls who falls for just anyone.

I am passionate about purity.

Passionate about you.

My heart leaps in joy for you are my everlasting King.

And you love me.

Help me to become a beautiful young woman of God.

Give me that deep unquenchable thirst for your presence.

For your truth.

I give this all to you God.

My everything.

Love, Michelle

Jesus

Sometimes in this life of mine, reality paints portraits of perfection.

But my fleeting mind runs a muck and implies lines of skewed complexion.

Tears fade from my eyes as the color of my fears take flight.

Sorrow has no place in my heart, for years of waisted bitterness and emotions that proved ill-equipped to satisfy the grumblings of my spirit.

The depths of my soul cry out for the Almighty.

Nothing compares to the Spirit of the Lord.

The peace that I embody seemed so far away.

But now, it freely remains without downcast shadow.

Nor is it hindered by the ever suppressed expressions of my offenses.

No longer do the utterances of insolent words torment me.

My heart sings of the sweet melodies from the loving voice of my King.

The cares of loneliness and the need for physical warmth no longer have hold on my spirit.

For now the peace is overwhelming.

I stand in awe of You.

You free me from my iniquities.

Your strength empowers me in all my weakness.

My life is challenged and stretched by you.

I fail time and time again.

But your grace is sufficient for me.

If life could simply reflect the artistry of all that you are, then why have I ever doubted?

Your hands formed me in the womb of my mother.

Perfectly knit together in the carefully formed aperture of a woman.

How could I forget the greatness in all that you are?

A true picture of refinement.

When my being grew from a small child into a young lady, there were so many mistakes.

So much heart ache and much shame.

My heart knew no solace and it churned in silent misery.

My young heart could only take so much until it yearned for death.

It was there in the dark depravity of my malicious heart, You picked me up.

It was then when I realized how foolish I had been.

When I realized how much I needed you, how much you loved me.

Jesus you healed my wounds.

You ripped me from my complacency and formed a new creature.

Eternally your refined delight.

You have my heart.