Monday, March 29, 2010

Insomnia of My Heart

I couldn't sleep last night.
My eyes desired rest, but sleep was withheld from them.
It was a curse.
All of me wanted to drift off into slumber.
But none of me would allow.
My mind raced with thoughts.
Tormented by my inability to control my internal self.
It seems that the late hours of the night are the scariest.
My greatest fears feast on my insecurities.
I could hear it all day, "You're beautiful."
And still forget it.
How I yearn for it to stick.
My heart craves companionship, and my thoughts rear from common sense.
I believe I am lost in the midst of things.
I know the truth, I know how I should feel, I know what I should do.
But parts of me don't want to conform.
Those are the things that keep me from fully coming alive.
Confidence is key.
I must have confidence in who I am.
Confidence in who Jesus Christ is.
Confidence in what God has for me-the plan I desperately need to follow.
Therefore I will step out in faith today, and believe that God does have that man of God waiting for me.
We're just not ready yet.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Wow, I haven't written on here in a long time. I'm pretty sure it's about time!
So much has happened!
I must say God has been faithful, so very faithful.
I went from a pitiful girl who had no idea what was going on in her life, to attending Trinity Bible College!
Praise the Lamb!
It's a crazy awesome story, well at least I think it is!
I'll shorten it up a bit though.
Let's just say that before Christmas I had NO clue that in less than two weeks I would be packing everything up and moving to Ellendale, ND.
I think it was the last thing I thought God was going to do with me! haha
I had planned to attend in the fall of 2010, but apparently He had other plans.
So the week I left I applied and signed all of my papers, packed up and left the day my application arrived and they handed me my acceptance letter when I arrived.
It's funny how life is, I had no idea how I would pay for any of it!
But God provided!
He is truly mind blowing!
Aside from totally changing my situation around, He's been transforming and working on my heart.
Things that used to be so entertaining to me, just aren't anymore.
I'm more likely to turn off a song or a movie if it's dirty, I used to just ignore it and leave it on.
Or if someone says something inappropriate I actually care now...funny how God will change your heart.
And I find myself seeing things through God's eyes even more.
I have received a vision for my life.
It's sooooooooooooooooooooo exciting!
There's a mission and a purpose!
It's to be everything that God calls me to be.
Starting with a student, I must put Him first in everything.
As a young woman, He must be the center of my affections.
As a youth leader in training, I must learn how to sacrifice.
I must learn to be a servant.
His eyes have started to become the lenses in which I see others.
Not as quick to judge, but more interested in figuring out why someone is the way they are.
They psychology of things I suppose.
Even if the person drives me crazy, I care.
I have always cared, but for a while I was numb to others.
I am just so grateful for the Lord's many blessings.
The best part of it all is that His mercies are new every morning!
Everyday is a new adventure!!!!! Hallelujah!

This is all I can say for now, I have a lot of homework to do. I'll be sure to visit you more often. :)