What a fine kettle of fish....

If I were a tall glass of water, it would be easy for him to drink me down, without challenge.

Oh, but I am more comparative to a hot tea.

Full of flavor, hard to consume at first, but with time and patience, I am quite enjoyable and I go down more refreshing than a simple sip of plain water.

Added spice and delight that will keep you... warm through the night.

So why doesn't he just let me steep, just a bit more?



In good time the kettle will whistle, reminding us of the time spent waiting.

Then we will know that the water is ready.

Like the leaves of tea, I swim around gracefully, bewitching you as you stare.

You lower your face to gently breathe in the aroma.

How is it that you feel so alive?

Am I more of a delight than you expected?

And you thought you could change my flavor by adding more sugar.

You'll find that I am much more enjoyable just the way I am.

I'll never change for you.

Awe, yes, I am stubborn.

Almost as black as the mug you hold so tightly.

I am unfamiliar, a bit terrifying, but you'll find that I'm adventure.

Take a sip.

Let it warm you all the way down.

You'll never understand what it is that makes you want more.

Strong flavor, makes you second guess your love for this herbal blend.

But still, you take another sip, smooth.

Not so hard to drink after time slips by, dancing in rhythm with patience.

All my thoughts pour out with every sip.

What a wonder it all is.

Am I really too much?

Leaves float at the top of my pool of flavored chemicals.

They must have escaped from their underwater chamber.

I don't mind, they keep me busy, trying to keep them in their place.

Tea is everything but simple.

Eyes

One of these days he'll catch my stare and we'll learn how to share this life. And we'll wipe the water from our eyes as we dive into the rest of our lives.

Singing but never choking on watered down lies, always looking forward, never back.

We'll sit crossed eyed and never really care if people stare.

For we already know what it means to be lonely, and it doesn't really matter anymore. We are the bud of youth and the spring of life still learning how to love.

We've accepted who we are and never let our hearts bleed out our insecurities. Mop in hand we clean up the messes of our lives.

It used to hurt when we stepped on sharp objects, but now we find them under our skin, as if they were always a part of us. These aliens beneath our skin.

We are the toes of life, holding each other up in perfect balance. Breathing in and out the equilibrium of pure passion.

When molecules turn to dust and frailty invades, our hands will be intertwined, wrapped up in purest delight.

Someone lost the manual to our lives, sometime before we got ours.

Lost is just another word for adventure as we move through life. Cutting holes through the defined lines of acceptable things, our own paths are drawn out understated.

Our hearts will beat to the rhythm of the rain washing our laundry hung out on lines for everyone to see.

We never really care what might happen if our inadequacies are exposed.

We'll paint the sky with the fire in our eyes, and the hope inside us will never die.

One mark below beauty.

One step above ugliness.

Somewhere lost in mystery.

There, we will dance in the silhouette of each other, your hand perfectly in mine.

YOU WOULD

I have no understanding of simple things anymore.
No longer familiar, I find the interwoven tapestry of my mind is frayed.
This foreign being has infiltrated everything I used for comfort.
It was so simple.
But now, now it's so full of doubt and second guesses.
The most frightening places are now mundane.
Nothing is real anymore.
Nothing is fake.
Nothing has sensibility.
My mind on the ceiling.
My heart on the floor.
Time is running out.
Everything seems so uneven and unpredictable.
Vulnerability is scary.
I can't hold myself back, I just might miss the one thing that I need.
I could let myself open up a little more.
Test the waters.
Your imperfection is fabulous and you make me insane.
I want to hate you for it.
Things were easier without you.
But so much more has been added because of you.
Infecting me with your presence.
WHY?
I might be lost in your eyes, but not in the least bit scared.
I feel right with you.
Safe.
Understood.
But, I still don't know.
:(

Arrogant Sky

Hollow bodies.

Are we nothing more than empty words?

Hypnosis.

Do this, do that.

I'll pencil you in.

What ever happened to that cup of sugar?

Why don't you just get off my lawn?!

We have the hardest time looking through our windows.

Sometimes there's more than just the dust on the window's ledge.

Imperfection is never acceptable.

Vanities.

The world upside down, seems more like the right way.

A facade of plastic skin.

The sickness meddles it's way through my veins.

What's really important?

I'm nothing but a fleeting organism.

A collection of molecular genius.

I so easily indulge in the fleeting aspects of my humanity.

Love.

What a word!

Not everything is about romance.

We are capable of loving the least of these.

This world is swirling with doubts and uncertainty.

We bear the fangs of a blood sucking society.

Mixed in with our own righteousness.

Lukewarm.

Neither hot, nor cold?

Hypocrites.

Might as well change our characters everyday since life is such a drama.

We've lost our sense of motion.

Sandpaper on the skin of innocence.

Let's all just swim on.

Ink Splattered Sky

There is no terror in death.

Fear of the unknown engulfs us.

Nothing compares to the moonlit reflections of silence.

Laying out on the grass as the night sky dances with lights.

Peace invades me.

The wind creeps through the trees as they sway back and forth.

The canopy entangles and frames the starry patterns that dot the ceiling of the world.

Like ink spilled onto a canvas it spreads in scattered direction.

Splatters of haunting memories.

Offsetting emotions invade my heart.

How long will I be alone?

Sitting in the middle of so many and yet so alone.

Soon enough companionship will arrive.

I can't escape the thoughts.

Reason wants to win.

Like an infection of the heart he's taking over.

Sometimes the darkness feels uneasy, but I feel so safe.

I have found to be understood is a far cry from being known.

Maybe that's what keeps me this way.

No one truly knowing me.

He's not so far off.

Closer than I think and that comforts me.

I felt his presence.

Drifting in the graveyard.

I could have laid there for hours, maybe one day I will.

But in that moment, spread out on the grass kissed by the night's dew, I felt him.

Suddenly I don't feel so alone.

Invisible Me

Is it so much to ask, to just be able to know without a doubt in my mind that I'm worth it?

It seems to be a constant repetitious occurrence.

Always hiding in the shadows of someone else's greatness.

Second rate.

Third wheel.

Never more than a passing glance.

What if those are the ones who are worth it?

So much to offer and yet no one to receive.

Instead they are drained of their beauty and life seems to fade out of their eyes.

Confidence is ludicrous.

Next to those bright shining stars you are a spec of dust in the wind.

What a fabulous way of life.

Never really knowing who you truly are.

What you are.....

Or where you belong.

What a passing existence.

The morning light is a heavy burden, filled with contingency.

It would be so much easier to just pull the covers back over your side and just roll over.

Life won't stop because you want to disappear.

No one's eyes contain as much sagacity.

Those eyes may go day to day without being noticed, but they are watching the world.

Maybe, just maybe, it's not so bad to be alone.

Invisible.

Overlooked.

Under-appreciated.

Inadequate.

There is much wisdom gained in arduous endeavors.

Such is the life of the

Invisible me.

Empty, Empty, Empty

Emptiness.

So many questions that I feel cannot be answered.

God you fill me up and give me hope.

I am so safe in you.

Vulnerability is terrifying.

I never have let a single person in.

Not truly.

I often feel as if I am lost in a pretend version of myself.

I find that here I can be mostly myself.

But I haven't been able to open a part of me that I have kept hidden for so long.

This is so complexing.

I believe I'm ready, but I have to respect myself and give myself a chance.

Lord, I can now see why you never allowed me to have anyone else before.

I should be good at patience by now.

It shouldn't be so hard, but waiting....

and waiting...

and waiting...

and more waiting..

Seems to be the theme here.

I can hardly eat.

My stomach always feels empty......full of knots.

Gah.

I don't really know what to think.

Not at all.

I really feel like completely ignoring everything.

Just forgetting about it.

God why??????

Why am I like this??!!!

I can't help but laugh at myself.

This is the first time that I can't figure someone out.

What a blank stare I have.

I just need to listen to you and keep it real.

You are telling me to wait.

To be patient, to just be okay.

I need to listen, oh sweet Jesus....this is hard.

I don't know anything.

But I'm learning......

I am with you

Do not hide what's inside.

Fear is the beginning of a path you must not travel.

Truth will always find you out.

There is nowhere to hide.

Open up.

Free the life in you.

Let it truly live.

Feel the breeze as it caresses your fingertips.

Suddenly you don't feel so alone.

He is right here with you.

For so long your heart has longed for His embrace.

Your eyes for His beauty.

Your ears for His affirmation.

Your hand to be held by His.

It seems that time has past so quickly.

All this time you've been dreaming.

Filled with intrusive thoughts that interrupted the rhythmic movements of your mind.

All these questions suddenly answered.

Part of you wants to hold yourself back from this liberation of your soul.

The alluring beckoning of a common life surrendered to familiarity, becomes overwhelmingly severe.

Change is a funny complexity that entangles your thoughts with your emotions.

In the midst of all your struggle, in a still small voice.

He whispers, "Do not fear."

You suddenly feel unwavering fortitude against your fears.

The pull to take you away from His arms is so great.

But His love for you surpasses all understanding.

And His glory is beyond all comprehension.

Easily you feel alone and forgotten.

Stranded on an island of change surrounded by lives that are busy.

Fighting loneliness.

You reach out your hands to the sky.

He's reaching back.

"Fear not, I am with you."

Single

I really don't understand why he did this.

I thought for once it would actually be happening for me.

All this time waiting for the right guy to come a long and I'm getting the short end of the stick again.

Typical.

I'm oddly at peace with some of it.

Maybe I'm in denial.

I feel like it should hurt more than it is.

I have such a hard time trusting, opening up.

The moment I started too he just closed the door.

I know there is a big difference between being completely DONE and just waiting longer.

It's just waiting is really hard.

It's painful and it's definitely filling me with so many questions.

My heart is freaking out.

I don't know how to react and my feelings are numb.

My stomach has knots.

This is too much for me to deal with.

So close and he seems to be slipping through my fingers.

Here Lord, take it.

My mind is full of thought.

I truly cannot wrap my mind around this young lad who has entered my life.

He is seeming to be more and more awesome every time we talk.

It is still sinking in that he likes me.

Really, really likes me.

My heart races and butterflies dance in my stomach when I receive his messages.

I'm counting down the days until we can see each other at school.

But my head can't help but doubt, that this is for real.

My heart is too afraid to let him in.

Some day he won't be such a stranger to me.

But now, I'm just afraid of driving him away.

I want to be sure that he is truly what God wants for me right now.

That this developing relationship is of God.

Lord help me keep a clear mind.

Help me seek your truth in everything and that I focus on you even more.

I am in love with you God.

You alone have my heart.

Help me to not give it away to just anyone.

You have heard my cries and you see the ache in me.

God if this if from you, Lord...ease my worry.

There is nothing you do not see.

Nothing you cannot do.

Be with me now.

Lord I don't want to be one of those girls who falls for just anyone.

I am passionate about purity.

Passionate about you.

My heart leaps in joy for you are my everlasting King.

And you love me.

Help me to become a beautiful young woman of God.

Give me that deep unquenchable thirst for your presence.

For your truth.

I give this all to you God.

My everything.

Love, Michelle

Jesus

Sometimes in this life of mine, reality paints portraits of perfection.

But my fleeting mind runs a muck and implies lines of skewed complexion.

Tears fade from my eyes as the color of my fears take flight.

Sorrow has no place in my heart, for years of waisted bitterness and emotions that proved ill-equipped to satisfy the grumblings of my spirit.

The depths of my soul cry out for the Almighty.

Nothing compares to the Spirit of the Lord.

The peace that I embody seemed so far away.

But now, it freely remains without downcast shadow.

Nor is it hindered by the ever suppressed expressions of my offenses.

No longer do the utterances of insolent words torment me.

My heart sings of the sweet melodies from the loving voice of my King.

The cares of loneliness and the need for physical warmth no longer have hold on my spirit.

For now the peace is overwhelming.

I stand in awe of You.

You free me from my iniquities.

Your strength empowers me in all my weakness.

My life is challenged and stretched by you.

I fail time and time again.

But your grace is sufficient for me.

If life could simply reflect the artistry of all that you are, then why have I ever doubted?

Your hands formed me in the womb of my mother.

Perfectly knit together in the carefully formed aperture of a woman.

How could I forget the greatness in all that you are?

A true picture of refinement.

When my being grew from a small child into a young lady, there were so many mistakes.

So much heart ache and much shame.

My heart knew no solace and it churned in silent misery.

My young heart could only take so much until it yearned for death.

It was there in the dark depravity of my malicious heart, You picked me up.

It was then when I realized how foolish I had been.

When I realized how much I needed you, how much you loved me.

Jesus you healed my wounds.

You ripped me from my complacency and formed a new creature.

Eternally your refined delight.

You have my heart.

Fat

School is out for the summer.

My mind is whirling with thoughts as I sit in my living room.

Home.

I'm home now and It still hasn't sunk in.

Summer is here for me.

Which means I need to get a job...maybe two?

I need to get busy so I can keep my mind off of things.

For some reason I keep thinking about what I need to change about myself.

I'm constantly trying to find something else I can change.

Why is it that I have the hardest time changing the most important things?

Maybe it's because it hurts too much.

I have no idea.

But this summer I want to get in shape, save for a car, and possibly get a web cam.

These are three things I am looking forward to.

But how will I accomplish these goals?

Work, work, work...I guess.

Must save more than I spend.

That in itself will be a HUGE goal and a great task for me.

I need to be wiser with my money.

I'm sick of being such a sissy.

I'm not responsible enough with my money or with working.

I want to have money so I can do stuff and pay off college debt.

And yet I fail to make up for this!

*sigh*

Other things have been on my mind a lot too.

Especially today and last night.

This is what I'm sick of: SHALLOW PEOPLE

I'm tired of it.

Why can't people just see the beauty within a person?

I see it.

I have a hard time seeing it within myself at times, but I still find it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this.

As if I'm the only one who actually cares.

I'm sick of this body that I'm in.

I don't want to obsess or belittle.

I'm just so worn out with this thing that I'm trapped inside.

This waste of oxygen.

I need to be healthier.

Better.

I don't hate myself, I just want to improve it.

Make sense?

Maybe I'm some kind of crazy, but I really need this.

I just don't know how to get it.

I'm so fed up with trying and failing.

I hate that I can't seem to change my body.

This ridiculous blob that has overtaken my REAL body is suffocating me.

It's killing me physically and spiritually.

I need to be free from this thing.

I'm not trying or wanting to lose weight so I can get a guy, or so I can look "hot."

I want to lose this weight, so that I can do more, wear more styles, feel free!

So that I can look at myself in the mirror and be confident that I am truly me.

I want to lose weight so I can be taken seriously.

This journey begins today.

-Healthy weight loss-

Procrastination Station

I almost feel as if time has played a trick on me.

It has slipped through my fingers into the expanse of sands below.

Where has my life gone?

Speeding so quickly toward the month of May.

This month is almost gone and my mind is slightly freaking out.

Procrastination has played it's evil game.

I am afraid that I might lose this battle.

I pray I'll win the war.

Suffocation.

Compressed every part of me wriggles with anxiety.

Stretching, pulling, never quite causing a tear.

What is this complacency that has overtaken this cavity?

Feelings, emotions, opinions, ideals, lies, truths, reality, and fantasy.

Where do dreams fade into realities?

Not before circumstance that confines the mind and clouds judgement.

Not before the heart is weighed down in heavy sorrow.

Not before the mind is challenged and the will mocked.

Not before trials that break the very creature that you are.

Should we feed off of insecurities and desolation to feel like we're alive?

No.

Dreams do not fade into realities.

Dreams can only stay dreams or become your reality.

There is no fading.

Dreams cannot become your reality until you have worked for them to become your reality.

You will suffer.

It will be hard.

At times you will feel like there's no end to the misery.

Failure is not an option, but it seems to haunt and seek you around every corner.

Success is not measured in all that you do, but in the power of overcoming.

Dreams will stay dreams unless the will of God is at hand.

Follow the Shepherd.

Don't be afraid to destroyed for Christ.

We are His workmanship, created for His glory.

Honor it.

I must honor Him.

In everything.

Insomnia of My Heart

I couldn't sleep last night.

My eyes desired rest, but sleep was withheld from them.

It was a curse.

All of me wanted to drift off into slumber.

But none of me would allow.

My mind raced with thoughts.

Tormented by my inability to control my internal self.

It seems that the late hours of the night are the scariest.

My greatest fears feast on my insecurities.

I could hear it all day, "You're beautiful."

And still forget it.

How I yearn for it to stick.

My heart craves companionship, and my thoughts rear from common sense.

I believe I am lost in the midst of things.

I know the truth, I know how I should feel, I know what I should do.

But parts of me don't want to conform.

Those are the things that keep me from fully coming alive.

Confidence is key.

I must have confidence in who I am.

Confidence in who Jesus Christ is.

Confidence in what God has for me-the plan I desperately need to follow.

Therefore I will step out in faith today, and believe that God does have that man of God waiting for me.

We're just not ready yet.

Wow, I haven't written on here in a long time. I'm pretty sure it's about time!
So much has happened!
I must say God has been faithful, so very faithful.
I went from a pitiful girl who had no idea what was going on in her life, to attending Trinity Bible College!
Praise the Lamb!
It's a crazy awesome story, well at least I think it is!
I'll shorten it up a bit though.
Let's just say that before Christmas I had NO clue that in less than two weeks I would be packing everything up and moving to Ellendale, ND.
I think it was the last thing I thought God was going to do with me! haha
I had planned to attend in the fall of 2010, but apparently He had other plans.
So the week I left I applied and signed all of my papers, packed up and left the day my application arrived and they handed me my acceptance letter when I arrived.
It's funny how life is, I had no idea how I would pay for any of it!
But God provided!
He is truly mind blowing!
Aside from totally changing my situation around, He's been transforming and working on my heart.
Things that used to be so entertaining to me, just aren't anymore.
I'm more likely to turn off a song or a movie if it's dirty, I used to just ignore it and leave it on.
Or if someone says something inappropriate I actually care now...funny how God will change your heart.
And I find myself seeing things through God's eyes even more.
I have received a vision for my life.
It's sooooooooooooooooooooo exciting!
There's a mission and a purpose!
It's to be everything that God calls me to be.
Starting with a student, I must put Him first in everything.
As a young woman, He must be the center of my affections.
As a youth leader in training, I must learn how to sacrifice.
I must learn to be a servant.
His eyes have started to become the lenses in which I see others.
Not as quick to judge, but more interested in figuring out why someone is the way they are.
They psychology of things I suppose.
Even if the person drives me crazy, I care.
I have always cared, but for a while I was numb to others.
I am just so grateful for the Lord's many blessings.
The best part of it all is that His mercies are new every morning!
Everyday is a new adventure!!!!! Hallelujah!


This is all I can say for now, I have a lot of homework to do. I'll be sure to visit you more often. :)