Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Fat

School is out for the summer.
My mind is whirling with thoughts as I sit in my living room.
Home.
I'm home now and It still hasn't sunk in.
Summer is here for me.
Which means I need to get a job...maybe two?
I need to get busy so I can keep my mind off of things.
For some reason I keep thinking about what I need to change about myself.
I'm constantly trying to find something else I can change.
Why is it that I have the hardest time changing the most important things?
Maybe it's because it hurts too much.
I have no idea.
But this summer I want to get in shape, save for a car, and possibly get a web cam.
These are three things I am looking forward to.
But how will I accomplish these goals?
Work, work, work...I guess.
Must save more than I spend.
That in itself will be a HUGE goal and a great task for me.
I need to be wiser with my money.
I'm sick of being such a sissy.
I'm not responsible enough with my money or with working.
I want to have money so I can do stuff and pay off college debt.
And yet I fail to make up for this!
*sigh*
Other things have been on my mind a lot too.
Especially today and last night.
This is what I'm sick of: SHALLOW PEOPLE
I'm tired of it.
Why can't people just see the beauty within a person?
I see it.
I have a hard time seeing it within myself at times, but I still find it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this.
As if I'm the only one who actually cares.
I'm sick of this body that I'm in.
I don't want to obsess or belittle.
I'm just so worn out with this thing that I'm trapped inside.
This waste of oxygen.
I need to be healthier.
Better.
I don't hate myself, I just want to improve it.
Make sense?
Maybe I'm some kind of crazy, but I really need this.
I just don't know how to get it.
I'm so fed up with trying and failing.
I hate that I can't seem to change my body.
This ridiculous blob that has overtaken my REAL body is suffocating me.
It's killing me physically and spiritually.
I need to be free from this thing.
I'm not trying or wanting to lose weight so I can get a guy, or so I can look "hot."
I want to lose this weight, so that I can do more, wear more styles, feel free!
So that I can look at myself in the mirror and be confident that I am truly me.
I want to lose weight so I can be taken seriously.
This journey begins today.
-Healthy weight loss-


2 comments:

  1. Methinks a contemplation of Romans 6, 7, & 8 would reveal much.

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