Monday, September 13, 2010

Empty, Empty, Empty

So many questions that I feel cannot be answered.
God you fill me up and give me hope.
I am so safe in you.
Vulnerability is terrifying.
I never have let a single person in.
Not truly.
I often feel as if I am lost in a pretend version of myself.
I find that here I can be mostly myself.
But I haven't been able to open a part of me that I have kept hidden for so long.
This is so complexing.
I believe I'm ready, but I have to respect myself and give myself a chance.
Lord, I can now see why you never allowed me to have anyone else before.
I should be good at patience by now.
It shouldn't be so hard, but waiting....
and waiting...
and waiting...
and more waiting..
Seems to be the theme here.
I can hardly eat.
My stomach always feels empty......full of knots.
I don't really know what to think.
Not at all.
I really feel like completely ignoring everything.
Just forgetting about it.
God why??????
Why am I like this??!!!
I can't help but laugh at myself.
This is the first time that I can't figure someone out.
What a blank stare I have.
I just need to listen to you and keep it real.
You are telling me to wait.
To be patient, to just be okay.
I need to listen, oh sweet Jesus....this is hard.
I don't know anything.
But I'm learning......

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