Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ink Splattered Sky

There is no terror in death.
Fear of the unknown engulfs us.
Nothing compares to the moonlit reflections of silence.
Laying out on the grass as the night sky dances with lights.
Peace invades me.
The wind creeps through the trees as they sway back and forth.
The canopy entangles and frames the starry patterns that dot the ceiling of the world.
Like ink spilled onto a canvas it spreads in scattered direction.
Splatters of haunting memories.
Offsetting emotions invade my heart.
How long will I be alone?
Sitting in the middle of so many and yet so alone.
Soon enough companionship will arrive.
I can't escape the thoughts.
Reason wants to win.
Like an infection of the heart he's taking over.
Sometimes the darkness feels uneasy, but I feel so safe.
I have found to be understood is a far cry from being known.
Maybe that's what keeps me this way.
No one truly knowing me.
He's not so far off.
Closer than I think and that comforts me.
I felt his presence.
Drifting in the graveyard.
I could have laid there for hours, maybe one day I will.
But in that moment, spread out on the grass kissed by the night's dew, I felt him.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Invisible Me

Is it so much to ask, to just be able to know without a doubt in my mind that I'm worth it?
It seems to be a constant repetitious occurrence.
Always hiding in the shadows of someone else's greatness.
Second rate.
Third wheel.
Never more than a passing glance.
What if those are the ones who are worth it?
So much to offer and yet no one to receive.
Instead they are drained of their beauty and life seems to fade out of their eyes.
Confidence is ludicrous.
Next to those bright shining stars you are a spec of dust in the wind.
What a fabulous way of life.
Never really knowing who you truly are.
What you are.....
Or where you belong.
What a passing existence.
The morning light is a heavy burden, filled with contingency.
It would be so much easier to just pull the covers back over your side and just roll over.
Life won't stop because you want to disappear.
No one's eyes contain as much sagacity.
Those eyes may go day to day without being noticed, but they are watching the world.
Maybe, just maybe, it's not so bad to be alone.
There is much wisdom gained in arduous endeavors.
Such is the life of the
Invisible me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Empty, Empty, Empty

So many questions that I feel cannot be answered.
God you fill me up and give me hope.
I am so safe in you.
Vulnerability is terrifying.
I never have let a single person in.
Not truly.
I often feel as if I am lost in a pretend version of myself.
I find that here I can be mostly myself.
But I haven't been able to open a part of me that I have kept hidden for so long.
This is so complexing.
I believe I'm ready, but I have to respect myself and give myself a chance.
Lord, I can now see why you never allowed me to have anyone else before.
I should be good at patience by now.
It shouldn't be so hard, but waiting....
and waiting...
and waiting...
and more waiting..
Seems to be the theme here.
I can hardly eat.
My stomach always feels empty......full of knots.
I don't really know what to think.
Not at all.
I really feel like completely ignoring everything.
Just forgetting about it.
God why??????
Why am I like this??!!!
I can't help but laugh at myself.
This is the first time that I can't figure someone out.
What a blank stare I have.
I just need to listen to you and keep it real.
You are telling me to wait.
To be patient, to just be okay.
I need to listen, oh sweet Jesus....this is hard.
I don't know anything.
But I'm learning......