Friday, August 14, 2009

What have I become?

Oh life how it throbs my brain and attacks the deepest parts of my soul.
When I was a little girl, I had dreams and hopes of who I wanted to become when I grew up.
I wanted to be breath taking, in more than one way.
I wanted to be organized, to do well in school, to succeed.
To be healthy, physically fit and FREE.
Instead I've become a slave to my laziness.
I am unorganized, I spend WAY to much time sleeping.
I waste my money, I failed most of my classes in college, and I am NOT physically fit.
I have become rather disappointing.
I am not saying that I "hate" myself or anything of the sort, I am simply unhappy with who I have let myself become.
I have always said, "All I want is to be used by God."
How can I be used by God if I AM NOT ALLOWING HIM TO USE ME?!
Living this way has done nothing but enslaved me to a person who does not respect what God has blessed her with.
My imperfections have been magnified lately, in that I am really starting to see my faults.
I believe God has been pointing these things out to me a lot lately.
Through His word, and in the messages I have been hearing in church, chapel at camp, and through my own family and my readings on my own time.
I mean, I can just sit in my room and look at the mess that has devoured what used to be a very comfortable room.
I have no refuge from the outside world anymore, it's been destroyed by clothing and stuff I never put away.
In a way, my whole life has become like my room.
Messy, unorganized, smelly, and gross.
Here I am 19 years of age and what do I have to say for myself?
I have hardly any money saved up because I just spend it on USELESS things.
I seem to be more interested in having a pop then saving up for a car, or to be able to move out and pay rent somewhere.
Where are my priorities?
Where is my head at?
I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't "PARTY"...etc...
Or do anything that can happen at such events.
And yet, I have let the small things in my life become so unorganized that I can 't even keep the big things together.
I can think of only ONE thing that I have kept together quite well.
My job, I'm never late, I never call in, [I have never truly needed to do so] nor have I cheated my employers of any work time.
I work hard and I give them the best I can give, to get what in return?
A pretty LAME paycheck.
I put in all this effort for a measly paycheck, and I'm feeling pretty good because hey, I EARNED that!
Then what do I do?
I don't understand how I do that to myself.
I mean what's my problem?
How can I basically and somewhat literally put in all that effort for "free" -remember I waste my money a lot so it's as if I never got paid- and yet I can't keep "workin hard" in the SMALL areas of my life.
I know for a fact that I feel really good about myself when I do things right, exercise, and accomplish goals I have set for myself.
I repeatedly backslide into my old filthy habits.
I can honestly say that I AM A PIG.
I say this in total honesty.
Writing this really helps me to see who I am, allowing me to examine the depths of myself and to really open this up and shed some light in the dark corners of my heart.
I have become such a fake.
On the outside, to all of my friends I put on a face that shows a totally put together girl who really loves the Lord and trusts Him with everything.
I really do love the Lord, this is true but I am NOT the girl I should be.
There are so many things that I am starting to realize that I need to change.
I can't do this alone, and I am fully relying on Christ's strength and wisdom to guide me.
Who I am at the moment is a girl who knows the truth and the things she must do, but hasn't done anything to get to where she needs to be.
I've done all the thinking, all of the realizing, all of the things it takes to gain wisdom, and yet I haven't done a thing about it.
My room is a mess, I still haven't unpacked from camp and I've been home over a week, my bathroom still isn't clean, my savings account is VERY LOW, I'm still overweight (A LOT OVERWEIGHT), I still say one thing and do another, I stay up WAY to late, sleep in too late, sit around to much, waste beautiful days, and mope about how my life sucks a lot and how I mess everything up.
Seriously, I am sick of myself and when I even get to the point of being sick of myself then I know for a fact I need change.
My dad has always told me, "Say what you mean."
Which I hardly understood a long time ago, and how often to do I say one thing, and then do another?
Or say something, then slightly alter what I say to conform to an opinion of another?
Just tonight he said to me, "You came home from camp saying how you have realized what you need to change and how you're gonna start doing things better. But you haven't changed at all, or done anything different. If you're going to say something, do what you say you're going to do or don't say anything at all."
I don't think he realized how much that hit me.
It really hit me deep.
It reminded me of a verse, Ecclesiastes 7:5 "It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, Than for a man to hear the song of fools."
Imagine how foolish I must look to an unbeliever?
Being a follower of Christ isn't just about believing and appearing happy.
I've gotta be REAL.
Hard to the core living it.
It takes discipline and effort.
Which I have NONE.
I have become a lazy idiot.
Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing. But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich."
I am the lazy man, or woman in this case.
I desire to be so much.
And yet I create my own destruction.
But praise God that He is my strength!
Praise Him that He is the comforter, the forgiver, and my refuge!
Psalm 116:5-7 "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous. Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."
He has done so much for me, and I have wasted my gift of life.
I'm not saying that I'm going to be perfect from here on out, but I am definitely going to make the necessary changes to become the woman I am meant to be.
For those of you who are believers, please pray for me.
For those of you who are not believers:
Proverbs 16:20 "He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he."

I must say in all of this struggle and self realization of my idiot ways, I am truly happy-no even better-I have pure JOY. I would not have this if it weren't for the Lord!
I've been on the other side of life, a life without Christ, and it's darkness.
I am changed, truly changed.


  1. Good thoughts Michelle!! It's always important to be examining our lives! Bravo and I'll be praying for you as you continue your walk!