Thursday, August 20, 2009

Take Me As You Find Me

Today was definitely an interesting day.
Nothing extremely exciting happened, nor did anything terrible happen either.
My day was filled with little spurts of self realization.
The first realization I had came to me this morning when my dad tried waking me up about 50 times in and hour and a half.
I am worse off than I thought I was.
I can't seem to just GET UP.
Get up and go, get up and live life.
I roll out of bed, flop on the floor and drool.
(Not literally, but it seems that way.)
I have let myself become useless in my daily life.
There are all these little things, that I have let turn into BIG things.
Such as a small mess in the corner, grew, and grew, and grew, and grew.
Until there was nothing left in my room except for A HUGE MESS!
A mess, that spread into my whole life.
My room is and was unorganized, my thought processes are scattered.
Everything is inside out and upside down.
The very center of my being has become, well-OFF CENTER.
I know that my problems, and the issues I am working through are not problems that are so horrible that I'll never get through this.
These are issues that require will power and other things such as discipline.
Which I definitely lack.
Which brings me to another point in my self realization.
I function so much better when I have goals.
For the past few months I have had NO short term goals.
I definitely have a long term goal.
But what's the point of having a long term goal if you can't even obtain a short term?
Especially if you lack one.
Now, that I have been able to make plans and create a few short term goals, things are much clearer to me.
Which brings me back to motivation-er shall I say, "will power."
I have a goal, and I know what I need to do to get there.
The question is, "Will I go through with this?"
This whole motivation thing has made me realize even more that I have a severe need for organization, not only in the cleanliness of my room but organization for my schedule.
Writing things down is helping a lot.
I just hope I can keep it up, every time I try to keep that up I always end up forgetting to write it down!
Such is my life.
I have been thinking about so much lately.
Not just about ME and MY issues.
But about life, about God, and about why we as humans are so driven to "get things done."
And for what?
What does it truly accomplish?
I'm not saying it's bad that we work a lot and clean, and do all the normal stuff, don't think that I am against it.
I am just thinking outside of the box a little.
Have you ever just sat back, took a look around and just wondered WHY we do what we do?
Or why things are the way they are?
I know when I get in these thought processes I could sit and think for hours.
Or days.....weeks.....months.
I think it is so neat that God has created everything.
It's fantastic to me.
To think that he started my heart's beating.
My life has been given to me to do the work of the Lord, and to live fully in life with Him.
I am in awe of His glory.
I seriously still can't wrap my brain around Him sometimes, but I guess I'm not supposed to fully understand, since no one can fully know Him.
But at the same time, that's really AWESOME!
Meaning-we will never have a BORING relationship with God!
I love it!
You're probably thinking something a long the lines of, "wow this girl is so random just babbling on and on and randomly talking about different things, where is her point?"
(Well maybe not, but I'll get to the point.)
In all the lame, stupid, unfortunate, and really ridiculous imperfections and things I do, no matter how badly I mess up, or how perfect I can be, or anything, Jesus takes me as I am.
Like in the song Mighty To Save there's a verse that says, "So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures."
That's just a short part of it, but the point is clear, I mean really look at that up there ^ I am such a failure at times and I am so afraid of messing up.
And yet Jesus is sufficient.
He is always right there, the catch is, He won't or can't help me if I won't let Him.

So to sum it all up, I set myself up for failure quite a bit, I am afraid of my future, I am lazy, I have no motivation, and I basically know of everything that I need to change.
I also know how pathetic I am, but the best thing to know is that in my weakness my God is strong.

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