Thursday, August 20, 2009

Take Me As You Find Me

Today was definitely an interesting day.
Nothing extremely exciting happened, nor did anything terrible happen either.
My day was filled with little spurts of self realization.
The first realization I had came to me this morning when my dad tried waking me up about 50 times in and hour and a half.
I am worse off than I thought I was.
I can't seem to just GET UP.
Get up and go, get up and live life.
I roll out of bed, flop on the floor and drool.
(Not literally, but it seems that way.)
I have let myself become useless in my daily life.
There are all these little things, that I have let turn into BIG things.
Such as a small mess in the corner, grew, and grew, and grew, and grew.
Until there was nothing left in my room except for A HUGE MESS!
A mess, that spread into my whole life.
My room is and was unorganized, my thought processes are scattered.
Everything is inside out and upside down.
The very center of my being has become, well-OFF CENTER.
I know that my problems, and the issues I am working through are not problems that are so horrible that I'll never get through this.
These are issues that require will power and other things such as discipline.
Which I definitely lack.
Which brings me to another point in my self realization.
I function so much better when I have goals.
For the past few months I have had NO short term goals.
I definitely have a long term goal.
But what's the point of having a long term goal if you can't even obtain a short term?
Especially if you lack one.
Now, that I have been able to make plans and create a few short term goals, things are much clearer to me.
Which brings me back to motivation-er shall I say, "will power."
I have a goal, and I know what I need to do to get there.
The question is, "Will I go through with this?"
This whole motivation thing has made me realize even more that I have a severe need for organization, not only in the cleanliness of my room but organization for my schedule.
Writing things down is helping a lot.
I just hope I can keep it up, every time I try to keep that up I always end up forgetting to write it down!
Such is my life.
I have been thinking about so much lately.
Not just about ME and MY issues.
But about life, about God, and about why we as humans are so driven to "get things done."
And for what?
What does it truly accomplish?
I'm not saying it's bad that we work a lot and clean, and do all the normal stuff, don't think that I am against it.
I am just thinking outside of the box a little.
Have you ever just sat back, took a look around and just wondered WHY we do what we do?
Or why things are the way they are?
I know when I get in these thought processes I could sit and think for hours.
Or days.....weeks.....months.
I think it is so neat that God has created everything.
It's fantastic to me.
To think that he started my heart's beating.
My life has been given to me to do the work of the Lord, and to live fully in life with Him.
I am in awe of His glory.
I seriously still can't wrap my brain around Him sometimes, but I guess I'm not supposed to fully understand, since no one can fully know Him.
But at the same time, that's really AWESOME!
Meaning-we will never have a BORING relationship with God!
I love it!
You're probably thinking something a long the lines of, "wow this girl is so random just babbling on and on and randomly talking about different things, where is her point?"
(Well maybe not, but I'll get to the point.)
In all the lame, stupid, unfortunate, and really ridiculous imperfections and things I do, no matter how badly I mess up, or how perfect I can be, or anything, Jesus takes me as I am.
Like in the song Mighty To Save there's a verse that says, "So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures."
That's just a short part of it, but the point is clear, I mean really look at that up there ^ I am such a failure at times and I am so afraid of messing up.
And yet Jesus is sufficient.
He is always right there, the catch is, He won't or can't help me if I won't let Him.

So to sum it all up, I set myself up for failure quite a bit, I am afraid of my future, I am lazy, I have no motivation, and I basically know of everything that I need to change.
I also know how pathetic I am, but the best thing to know is that in my weakness my God is strong.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Shallow Water

Today was a very nice day.
I woke up fairly early, spent the morning with my mother, then went into town to buy a few things.
Picked up my friend Ebby on the way and spent time with her.
Over all today was great.
But a lot things about today really made me think about life in a way I have been sort of leaning towards a lot in the past month.
Just thoughts about WHY us humans get so caught up in emotions.
Why do we have this UNDYING need to be loved?
To be needed, to be wanted, to have purpose?
What is it that drives us to pursue such things?
Why is that in America, as a country we just suck and consume everything in our paths?
But in a country that is more poor, the people are content with what they have?
They have so little compared to us, and yet they're happy?
A lot of people who have a lot are still unhappy, they have voids in their hearts that seem to be permanently empty.
While the person who has little material things has happiness and is content?
Most of the time, all that the "poor" person has is family and sometimes friends.
That should be enough.
But consumer happy people fill voids with material things.
Not relationships.
Money isn't everything.
But there is one thing that both need more than anything, Jesus Christ.
Whether you like that or not, it's the truth.
Rich or poor, family or no family, good life or hard life, Jesus is the filler of that HUGE void.
The healer of wounds and giver of life.
I see so many people just so caught up in what's cool, what's hip, what's fresh, etc...
Or they are always up on the gossip, and know everything about everybody.
Where does that get you?
When all you talk about and think about are material things, and what so and so said, and what so and so did, there's no room for you to live.
To be truly alive.
To open up and express REAL feelings, REAL thoughts, REAL personality, and REAL struggles.
Does it not bother you to be so fake?
Open up your heart and let the savior in.
Start living.

Don't be a wading pool.

Friday, August 14, 2009

What have I become?

Oh life how it throbs my brain and attacks the deepest parts of my soul.
When I was a little girl, I had dreams and hopes of who I wanted to become when I grew up.
I wanted to be breath taking, in more than one way.
I wanted to be organized, to do well in school, to succeed.
To be healthy, physically fit and FREE.
Instead I've become a slave to my laziness.
I am unorganized, I spend WAY to much time sleeping.
I waste my money, I failed most of my classes in college, and I am NOT physically fit.
I have become rather disappointing.
I am not saying that I "hate" myself or anything of the sort, I am simply unhappy with who I have let myself become.
I have always said, "All I want is to be used by God."
How can I be used by God if I AM NOT ALLOWING HIM TO USE ME?!
Living this way has done nothing but enslaved me to a person who does not respect what God has blessed her with.
My imperfections have been magnified lately, in that I am really starting to see my faults.
I believe God has been pointing these things out to me a lot lately.
Through His word, and in the messages I have been hearing in church, chapel at camp, and through my own family and my readings on my own time.
I mean, I can just sit in my room and look at the mess that has devoured what used to be a very comfortable room.
I have no refuge from the outside world anymore, it's been destroyed by clothing and stuff I never put away.
In a way, my whole life has become like my room.
Messy, unorganized, smelly, and gross.
Here I am 19 years of age and what do I have to say for myself?
I have hardly any money saved up because I just spend it on USELESS things.
I seem to be more interested in having a pop then saving up for a car, or to be able to move out and pay rent somewhere.
Where are my priorities?
Where is my head at?
I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't "PARTY"...etc...
Or do anything that can happen at such events.
And yet, I have let the small things in my life become so unorganized that I can 't even keep the big things together.
I can think of only ONE thing that I have kept together quite well.
My job, I'm never late, I never call in, [I have never truly needed to do so] nor have I cheated my employers of any work time.
I work hard and I give them the best I can give, to get what in return?
A pretty LAME paycheck.
I put in all this effort for a measly paycheck, and I'm feeling pretty good because hey, I EARNED that!
Then what do I do?
I don't understand how I do that to myself.
I mean what's my problem?
How can I basically and somewhat literally put in all that effort for "free" -remember I waste my money a lot so it's as if I never got paid- and yet I can't keep "workin hard" in the SMALL areas of my life.
I know for a fact that I feel really good about myself when I do things right, exercise, and accomplish goals I have set for myself.
I repeatedly backslide into my old filthy habits.
I can honestly say that I AM A PIG.
I say this in total honesty.
Writing this really helps me to see who I am, allowing me to examine the depths of myself and to really open this up and shed some light in the dark corners of my heart.
I have become such a fake.
On the outside, to all of my friends I put on a face that shows a totally put together girl who really loves the Lord and trusts Him with everything.
I really do love the Lord, this is true but I am NOT the girl I should be.
There are so many things that I am starting to realize that I need to change.
I can't do this alone, and I am fully relying on Christ's strength and wisdom to guide me.
Who I am at the moment is a girl who knows the truth and the things she must do, but hasn't done anything to get to where she needs to be.
I've done all the thinking, all of the realizing, all of the things it takes to gain wisdom, and yet I haven't done a thing about it.
My room is a mess, I still haven't unpacked from camp and I've been home over a week, my bathroom still isn't clean, my savings account is VERY LOW, I'm still overweight (A LOT OVERWEIGHT), I still say one thing and do another, I stay up WAY to late, sleep in too late, sit around to much, waste beautiful days, and mope about how my life sucks a lot and how I mess everything up.
Seriously, I am sick of myself and when I even get to the point of being sick of myself then I know for a fact I need change.
My dad has always told me, "Say what you mean."
Which I hardly understood a long time ago, and how often to do I say one thing, and then do another?
Or say something, then slightly alter what I say to conform to an opinion of another?
Just tonight he said to me, "You came home from camp saying how you have realized what you need to change and how you're gonna start doing things better. But you haven't changed at all, or done anything different. If you're going to say something, do what you say you're going to do or don't say anything at all."
I don't think he realized how much that hit me.
It really hit me deep.
It reminded me of a verse, Ecclesiastes 7:5 "It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, Than for a man to hear the song of fools."
Imagine how foolish I must look to an unbeliever?
Being a follower of Christ isn't just about believing and appearing happy.
I've gotta be REAL.
Hard to the core living it.
It takes discipline and effort.
Which I have NONE.
I have become a lazy idiot.
Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing. But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich."
I am the lazy man, or woman in this case.
I desire to be so much.
And yet I create my own destruction.
But praise God that He is my strength!
Praise Him that He is the comforter, the forgiver, and my refuge!
Psalm 116:5-7 "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous. Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."
He has done so much for me, and I have wasted my gift of life.
I'm not saying that I'm going to be perfect from here on out, but I am definitely going to make the necessary changes to become the woman I am meant to be.
For those of you who are believers, please pray for me.
For those of you who are not believers:
Proverbs 16:20 "He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he."

I must say in all of this struggle and self realization of my idiot ways, I am truly happy-no even better-I have pure JOY. I would not have this if it weren't for the Lord!
I've been on the other side of life, a life without Christ, and it's darkness.
I am changed, truly changed.